Life - ups & downs?

Life is tricky and ever changing! What one wants and what one gets are often two different things.. in-fact these are often diametrically on the opposite ends!!

Me bring no exception to this great life have had and do have my share (trust me it is a pretty big one at that) of the mighty upheavals... the kind which want to make you feel like chucking it all away and say out loud, 'That's it! I've had it! No more! I give up!'

But these mighty upheavals, when these move into the past, seem to be so minuscule, that they don't seem to be worth the effort I had spent on tearing my hair out for!!

These appear to be so petty, small and of no major consequence in the larger cycle of life!

On a scale of 1 to 10, a problem that seemed to be 11, looking back on it, it appears to be 1 or may be a 2.

So does our memory plays truant on us, and reduces the complexity of the problem or is it time which makes a fool of us!

I'd say it is a combo of both - human mind tends to dim the memory of the angst, fear and panic of a situation, making it seem more humane under the dust of time, while time makes us more understanding, more experienced and less finicky.

There might have been studies carried out by scientists and psychologists upon the tricks that our mind plays! Studies which would have dissected each and every aspect of a memory, situation - to compartmentalize each feeling, each shiver, each smile into neat arrays making it easier to lay out serious sounding hypothesis, which then would have been studied further, to propound theories.

In-fact I am quite sure, that is how it must have happened.

I don't know much about such studies, since I don't move in such quasi-intellectual circles and know what I know from the lessons I have learnt from life. Life is a great teacher - it has told me repeatedly why I make the mistakes that I make, why do I choose the way I choose, why I loose my cool when I do (trust me I do, and a lot), and much more has it told.

It has also taught me how to extricate myself from these situations, how to react to a situation - fight or flight. What I choose - to fight or flight - is my decision.

So now my decisions are less of flight or flight but more along the lines of being savvy enough to preempt a problem and stay on to solve, instead of getting into a fight mode.

Honestly, life doesn't seem like to be of ups and downs - only of situations which need a calm mind, a detached view of being in the situation, but not be in the situation!

And once you decide to buckle down, then don't run away at the first sign of things erupting around you!

OCD

So here I was yesterday at a hospital (another day another story), when the observing kind that I am, I saw that there was comma which had been placed incorrectly in the poster displayed....

Tried to tell my brain that it did not see it, it was just a figment of imagination, not real.. no, did not help. My eyes strayed back to the error, giving a confirmation of the error spotted.

Drum-roll! 21 gun salute! That's what my brain told me. It was correct and I, the lowly being, had to go along with its findings.

Okay so what does one do when one notices an error in the poster which has been displayed for the longest of time, in plain view.. any normal person would have ignored it, which giving the credit where it is due, I did try and failed!!

So, I tapped my foot, looked everywhere for help in any form, may be an angel, anyone, someone.. but no-one was getting stressed over a comma which had missed out the correct place.

I tried to mentally will the comma to its correct place... used all my mental faculties (whatever is left of that!!).. and failed.

Traveled back in time to the time when it was being proof-read and finalised... picturing the proof-readers, bosses, approving, and trying to tell them that there is an error.. a big glaring error which would mar the beauty of the otherwise a perfectly structured poster... tried to send mental waves...

The reason for my visit became redundant, becoming a measly second ranked citizen... with me trying to fix that 'comma'...

But dear friends I failed...

And the comma came back to haunt me.. has been following me around, telling me that it is still in need of help... still in the need of being corrected...

Intends to stay as a ghost limb... till I find something which is amiss.. and then it would not be as lonely as it is feeling right now.. should not feel that way, since it has the August company of a chair with a slightly out of sync design, a zebra crossing slightly not straight... a stray hair which is running amok from its owner's neatly combed hair...

Journey

I have thyroid, was diagnosed for the same about 7 years back. Since that day every morning I pop a tablet for keeping the thyroid levels in check. There are days when I forget to reach out that small innocuous looking tablet. Those days are not painful, but do remind me in subtle manner of the over-sight committed; nothing serious.

It has made me realize how easy I had been taking things which concerned me. Everyday is becoming a little more of a struggle, a little more of a daily fights, some wins- some losses. The memory fails me, the words which flowed into sentences, now often fail me at the crucial moments. I am left trying to second-guess the name of a thing.. and seem to resemble more and more the side-kicks in old B & C grade Bollywood movies who are stuck over a word, and need prompting every sentence.

I am unable to recall names of people I work with, and yes it sometimes becomes downright embarrassing when I am mid-sentence and need to emphasize a point to a particular person, and the name just does not come and fits itself nicely into the gap. It remains just that a gap - leaving me to fend off the oncoming panick attack with closing of eyes, concentrating hard, but 'nada, nothing' - I mean nothing happens, so I open my eyes and try to fumble on with the sentence.

As if this was not sufficient, I loose the thread of a conversation, mid-way, and so I often find myself mumbling my agreement to God only knows what and trying to get back into the conversation as smoothly as possible. Quite an interesting scenario it becomes!

The sudden lack of hunger for days and then a gnawing hunger which, mind you, is satiated with only something sweet- go figure! The constant feeling of thirst, which does not go away even after guzzling down of 3 glasses of water. And then forgetting to drink water, since the thirstiness is always there and end up not having even 2 glasses of water in the whole day. Where does this leave me? Well, it leaves me being a yo-yo, where one week all my pretty dresses fit me and the next even the baggiest of clothes do not fit.

My body seems to be a host to many aches and pains which come and go as they please. They seriously do not ask for any permission. One fine morning a crick in the neck will come and stay there for what seems like ever, and whatever I do it will not go away with the best of efforts. And then after over-staying its welcome(?!), it leaves, making way for a creaky knee or an ankle, which will creak as much it wants to- obviously - these are so deep seated in the inner realms of my body that there is absolutely no way I could do anything at all.  So my conscious looks at it from a distance trying to keep it under control and not to allow it to decide to move to another location (some hopes!!!).

 Over the years my lusciously thick hair have become so sparse that at a stage I had decided to just go bald - Bald and Beautiful!! Now that would have been something. Not that can not happen now. My son likes to play with my hair, a habit he has had since he was born. I never did like it, but he as a toddler had his own mind, which I could do nothing with. Was I concerned? No, 'coz, I had strong hair, right! Now, I am often found asking my son not to touch my hair in the fear of him tugging out a bunch of them and me having to struggle with the attempt at covering the bald patches. I have taken to keeping my hair long, might as well enjoy them till they last.

I loved to listen to music at full volume, still do, but now the loud sounds and strong lights make my head go thud-thud, boom-boom after sometime. At movies, my son often pulls my hands away from my ears in the fear of being embarrassed with an old lady (aka me). I oblige him, but slowly and steadily shift in my chair to sit in a pose where my hand is on my chin and my thumbs are covering my ears... yes!! Some peace - till he catches me again.

One would think that would definitely imply that my ears are okay. Naah! I have an issue which is known as 'Tinnitus' or to layman - the ringing ears. So here I am mid-conversation, and my ears hears that fictitious bell, I move my head which I hope is imperceptibly to the side (which to an onlooker must seem like what is she trying to listen to) to try and lessen it. Does it help?? Nope. It does not. The bell rings loud and as long as it wants, with me listening to it and the person with whom I am in conversation - quite a balancing act.

My list of weirdness is long and variegated... rest for another evening!

Landscape sketch

When the desire to do something different is too strong. A sketch i made

Time as a healer

Time.... time is a great healer.

It sits by us when all we wish to do is wallow in our sorrow - allowing us to cry the pain out, get healed. It flits with us in the moments of joy, seemingly passing in seconds when we are happy, making the time so short.

Things which seem to over-power us at a given moment, appear to be trivial, non-relevant few moments later. The anger, the jealousy, the heart-aches - all become neither relevant nor important, and very often get relegated to such dark recesses of our mind that we do not even recall why we had thought these to be important; why did these cause so much of agony.

Time helps to give a new perspective to things. Things which keep you awake in the middle of nights, giving you cold sweats, time holds your hand, making you stronger while you are over-coming the paralyzing fears. Time is always there as a patient friend, waiting for you get a move on.

It does not abandon you till the last. The opportunities keep on presenting themselves in one form or another, it is our own fear that stops us from grabbing these and making the most of them. Time becomes just a scapegoat for us.

Time moves on if we do not keep pace with it. That is its nature. Just like a river only knows how to flow onward, time also knows only to move on.

As it moves on, it wipes our tears, makes the smiles go deep in our souls, fashions us into a more mature us, forges a deeper connection of ours with the surroundings, synthesizing us into better human beings.