Earlier in the day I read an article which discussed the problems of
seeking perfection. I had never thought of being a perfectionist as a problem. Many
a times I had been told that the work being done has to be perfect. Do not want
to admit it, but I do have an OCD streak wherein I need to clean a small spot
of dirt, wash my hands after every work I do and then apply a moisturizer. I had
never realized that I had an issue till it was pointed out by a close family member.
I was informed that in the last ten minutes I had washed my hands five times
and had moisturized the same number of times; until that time I had been
totally unaware of the same.
In all the growing years, I’d always sought for perfection in my own
skewed view. In my obsession for perfection I preferred to be alone in its
pursuit rather than share it with anyone else. I wanted to be perfect in the
knowledge of anything before I shared/discussed with the others. It made sense,
‘perfect’ sense… why share something and let the other person know that I am
lacking in something; rather keep quiet, learn everything to learn and surprise
the friends and family.
Quoting from the article, “perfection suggests a state of flawlessness,
without any defects. To be perfect implies a condition whereby your action or
performance attains a level of excellence that cannot be exceeded.”
The expression ‘To err is human’ started making sense to me after many a
torturous nights!!
The desire to be perfect or was it to be praised….was so strong that it
over-shadowed everything else. It overtook every other desire, goal and goaded
me on. Everyone around was being measured against each other for the success. It
was not sufficient to be good at one thing; we had to be good at everything we
did. It was like we were supposed to touch was to turn to gold, like the Midas’
touch; unfortunately Midas too had to suffer.
The viewpoint on what it meant to live well did not mean anything. It was
and still at times is about being the best, being the perfectionist.
There is no other justification to explain that I would rather sit up
and redo the whole thing instead of tendering in an unfinished project. There are
many a times I have erased the lines of a drawing or have torn up the pages in
sheer frustration because the lines or the words did not live up to what I wanted
them to convey.
After reading the article I have been thinking, according to what or for
whom am I not perfect or am perfect… The answer is a sad one... it is only me
who has set a benchmark for myself. Often
I have not been able to meet the standards and have either given up on the
project or have shelved it till I could get a better way to tackle it.
In truth, this has led me to be a procrastinator. Rather than to accept
defeat and try to finish the project, I would make an excuse of not doing it at
the required time.
The article mentioned that the desire to be a perfectionist was more due
to an underlying insecurity. Reflecting on the words, I am getting a sense of déjà
vu… yes it is right… I do have this feeling that whatever I am doing I could do
better. The question is better than
what? Better than what I had done in the past, but the past is gone and I could
always accept that and move on.
I had always a dialogue going on in my mind, counseling me, telling me
of better options, I think it is time to stop listening to the ‘voices in my
head’ (sshhh…. Do not tell!!), and also to stop measuring myself against others
and what I was and am all the time.
