Faith in God

My relation with God has been strange and tumultuous at times but one which started as a child. I remember holding on to my Nani's hand on cold foggy mornings and walking through the long meandering dusty fields, with her chanting the bhajan in her lilting voice. I was awestruck by the fragrance of sandalwood and the bhabhoot which was made by the constantly burning kund in front of a huge idol of Lord Shiva, sitting with his third eye closed and his one hand raised to bless. His face had a serene look which always gave me a reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

I looked forward to going to Nani's house not only because it meant that I had the time of my life with cousins but also due to visits to temple. With time the hand holding on to my hand changed from that if Nani to Mamu to finally Mami but every time I went I was reassured with the smile of benevolence and I came back feeling bliss.

As I grew up, my mother ensured that things went on smoothly with me reading  everyday for a few of the kids of our neighbourhood (I am sure they must have been wondering if I was indeed as sane as I seemed), most of them a few years younger to me from the mythology books. It was something I enjoyed and helped in making my belief stronger in a greater force over looking at the welfare of everyone.

The relation between me and Him soured not much later as I felt that I had been abandoned by Him. I was unable to understand as to how someone who is supposed to be benevolent be immune and non-responsive to so many fervent appeals for help. I decided if He did not want to be on my side, well, I too did not want to be in the same corner. I continued visiting temple but never again did I talk to Him there; for that I waited till the nightfall when I had a daily conversation which actually often started with a Hello and went on with my ramblings for quite some time. He never replied so I came to the decision that He did not exist. Blasphemous.... May be but at the time it made perfect sense.

The distance grew but there was always a hope that He was nearby; how else could I rationalize the sanity at the end of the days. There were many an instances of an 'out of skin' experience which could not be explained and at such times I just sent a prayer hoping it would be heard if not answered.

There was a time when I lost faith and stopped all communications and was uncomfortable around people who believed and still held onto their faith. I looked at such people with a visible disdain. After fighting against the faith one night (I have a habit of analyzing the day gone before sleeping) it just dawned on me that all these years He had been by my side, in the form of family, friends and myself. Often I had gone to the edge of the precipice when things had seemed bleak and every time there had been a helping hand, a shoulder to lean on, a thought which had come as a support.

Though still not able to visit the places of worship on a regular basis, it has become second nature for me to talk to Him regularly. It is good to feel that you have God backing you all the way.