Perfection…. Problem?

Earlier in the day I read an article which discussed the problems of seeking perfection. I had never thought of being a perfectionist as a problem. Many a times I had been told that the work being done has to be perfect. Do not want to admit it, but I do have an OCD streak wherein I need to clean a small spot of dirt, wash my hands after every work I do and then apply a moisturizer. I had never realized that I had an issue till it was pointed out by a close family member. I was informed that in the last ten minutes I had washed my hands five times and had moisturized the same number of times; until that time I had been totally unaware of the same.

In all the growing years, I’d always sought for perfection in my own skewed view. In my obsession for perfection I preferred to be alone in its pursuit rather than share it with anyone else. I wanted to be perfect in the knowledge of anything before I shared/discussed with the others. It made sense, ‘perfect’ sense… why share something and let the other person know that I am lacking in something; rather keep quiet, learn everything to learn and surprise the friends and family.

Quoting from the article, “perfection suggests a state of flawlessness, without any defects. To be perfect implies a condition whereby your action or performance attains a level of excellence that cannot be exceeded.”

The expression ‘To err is human’ started making sense to me after many a torturous nights!!

The desire to be perfect or was it to be praised….was so strong that it over-shadowed everything else. It overtook every other desire, goal and goaded me on. Everyone around was being measured against each other for the success. It was not sufficient to be good at one thing; we had to be good at everything we did. It was like we were supposed to touch was to turn to gold, like the Midas’ touch; unfortunately Midas too had to suffer.

The viewpoint on what it meant to live well did not mean anything. It was and still at times is about being the best, being the perfectionist.

There is no other justification to explain that I would rather sit up and redo the whole thing instead of tendering in an unfinished project. There are many a times I have erased the lines of a drawing or have torn up the pages in sheer frustration because the lines or the words did not live up to what I wanted them to convey.

After reading the article I have been thinking, according to what or for whom am I not perfect or am perfect… The answer is a sad one... it is only me who has set a benchmark for myself.  Often I have not been able to meet the standards and have either given up on the project or have shelved it till I could get a better way to tackle it.

In truth, this has led me to be a procrastinator. Rather than to accept defeat and try to finish the project, I would make an excuse of not doing it at the required time.

The article mentioned that the desire to be a perfectionist was more due to an underlying insecurity. Reflecting on the words, I am getting a sense of déjà vu… yes it is right… I do have this feeling that whatever I am doing I could do better.  The question is better than what? Better than what I had done in the past, but the past is gone and I could always accept that and move on.

I had always a dialogue going on in my mind, counseling me, telling me of better options, I think it is time to stop listening to the ‘voices in my head’ (sshhh…. Do not tell!!), and also to stop measuring myself against others and what I was and am all the time.