Ma

Hello Mom

It has been very long since I last talked with you, extremely long. Well, life has a way of catching you in its throes and then you never do find time for the actual important things. But in the recent past I have often thought of penning down my thought for you to read, things that I could never speak to you, could never share with you, that I so badly wanted to talk to you about but never did. I was afraid of what you would say, how you would react, if what I said was not what you wanted to hear. So I never said those things and many more remained unsaid between the two of us.

Growing up I wanted to be cuddled and hugged by you every hour of the day, wanted to live in your shadow, never wanted to grow up coz growing up meant moving away from you. There were times when I was scared of you, coz I knew I had behaved in a manner you did not expect of me. You never said anything at those times. Many a mistake of mine have you overlooked, giving me a stern look was all you did.

You talked more with your eyes and I knew the meaning of every rise and drop of your eyelids. The unspoken word meant more to me then the spoken words. What was left unsaid was many times more important then the said word.

You were a strict mother; you had to be, being a single parent most of the year. At that time I did not understand, but now I understand the amount of self-restraint you must have used. Being a mother has made me realise the labour that you put into every thing you did for us, be it such a small thing as being at our sports functions to being awake before us to ensure we took a tiffin to school. I know, it seems minuscule but when one is supposed to get up at 5 in the morning so that the children can be got readied and tiffins packed, it is not a small thing (speaking personally, of course).

Now that I am mother, it has made me realise the role a mother plays in a child's life. A good mother can make a child while a bad mom can mar the child forever. I just want to tell you that you have been a very good mother and I wish I could have told you this when you there to hear/ read these words.

I am amazed at the strong will power you had till the last breath you took. You wavered only once in your desire to live and that broke me so much to see you weaken. Your body was much weaker then you in strength. All I wanted to do was hold on to you for longer, but I knew that would be selfish of me, so I let go. I let go of one thing that made sense in my life at that time.

There are days when I hear your voice and turn around to talk to you and realise that it is just imagination playing with my mind. But you are always there with me. Every step that I take I talk it out with you, every decision I make I discuss it with you. I sit down and think of what you would have advised me and then work from there.

Ma, I think it is time for me to now grow up and stop making my decisions on what you might have advised and live my life on my own as you always wanted me to. You had always wanted that I be my own person, and I remember how angry you used to get when I used to look at others for help.

So here's to living life as it should be lived..

On my own terms.. not on what the others wanted but on what I want


Love you and hope you are in a happy place