Time is fickle

Every night, as it comes, brings in me a soft regret, a regret for things I missed, of learning things, I couldn't discover today, things which slipped out of my grasp, things I could fathom today.
There is but one solace.
Tomorrow will be a new day and I shall get to quench my thirst some more; tomorrow I shall sit by the window and gaze at the stars some more, imagining of places far away, of mysteries yet to be unveiled, images yet to be seen.
And that gives give me some peace and let me sleep.. Even if for a little while..
For time is short and fickle.. it slips before I can catch it..

No more lies

Tell me no more lies
Give me no more lies
You ask for my love
And then break my heart
Tell me no more lies

You walk into my life
Into my dreams
Pull me apart
Tell me no more lies

My walls are up again
No no more shall the walls be down
No more shall there be a bridge across
Tell me no more lies

Hurt and pained
Shrivelled
It will take time
Time for it to heal
Tell me no more lies

It lies broken
The trust that I had
The heart that I had shared
Your lies
Tell me no more lies

A mirage you were
An illusion you are
Building myself
Shall take time
Tell me no more lies

No don't talk like you know me
The one you knew is gone
This is a new me
Broken bruised proud
Tell me no more lies

Let me heal
Heal I shall
Without you
Without your lies
Don't tell me no more lies 

Sweet quarrels - The Lover and the Sweetheart

See the pursual of the lover,
Seems he's angry at the other.
Finds it difficult to see beyond,
overshadowed by the bond.

Finds it hard to see the sun
Overshadowed by what is done
Someone is out there gazing at the moon
Shadows remain, and gone not too soon

She is but an excited beau
That he once thought he knew
From afar her visage appears to be threaded with stars
as scattered jewels of a czar
The cimmerian pasture waiting
for dawn to come to turn bright

The lover shudders at the fool's gold
split between the decision to leave or hold

Tired

I stand here tired
Tired of your lies
Of your society telling me to smile
Smile a false smile
When inside I am broken
Bruised
No I shall not smile
Not anymore
Till you, yes you
You do not teach your son
 to respect the woman
You the one who teaches him
It's ok to abuse
Abuse where all the abuses disprove the women
You the one who teaches your daughter
To bow down
To quiet down
To give in
To give up her dreams
Because in this patriarchal society
Only men can dream
And decide who can dream
You pray the woman in temples
Slay them on the roads
Kill them in wombs
The ones who survive
You kill them everyday
No, don't smile like that
No don't wear those clothes
No don't talk like that
No don't walk like that
Stay inside it's late
It's not safe
It's never safe anywhere for a woman
Any time anywhere someone may kidnap her
Maim her
Throw acid on her
No is taken as a maybe
A smile as an invite
A talk as a license a license to hound her
Surround her
You lurk in corners
In shadows
In places woman thinks she is safe
Pounce on her
Defenceless you leave your daughters defenceless
Against the custodians of the society
Arm your daughters
Make them aware
Empower them
Do not chain them
Chains are all they know
Wearing these with pride
Not knowing they are in fetters the day they were born.

Time stood still

She was sitting with her eyes closed, head in her hands. Shocked.
She never had thought, she would have to take such a decision in her life. Every particle of her being wanted to run away, to deny the decision she was now forced to take.
Never had she thought that in this hour of need she would be alone.
Opening her eyes, she looked into the eyes of the doctor and asked, "Is there nothing else to be done?"
She knew she was asking a question whose answer she knew. Asking for some time, she stepped out of ICU and kept walking with no aim.
Floundering around in the road, in a daze, she heard sounds from Gurudwara, the Sikh holy place.
An atheist as she was, her feet took her inside. Sitting down in front of the holy book, she begged for few more moments. Realising her selfishness, with closed eyes she prayed for her mom's soul to be at peace finally.
She talked to her mom and told her, "Go, be in peace. I will manage, be your daughter and survive." She looked down at her watch; it was 8:30 pm.
Gathering herself she walked back determined. Ready to face the inevitable she stepped inside the cold hospital. She shivered as if she had been touched by an angel.
Reaching for the door to ICU, she saw the nurse walking towards her. She knew.
On the verge of collapse she gathered all her inner strength.
She knew what came next.
The days after that were a blur. Family, relatives, friends, all made her keep a strong front.
Nights.. nights were a long.. very long.
She stayed up, re-living each moment of the day and the days leading up to the day.
She wanted, no wished for her mother to be in a better place but so, so much needed her to be there, to hold her hand one more time. To scold her just one more time. To hug her just one more time.
The pain, the tears flowed, till her pain was her.
Everything made her cry. The flowers that her mom had planted. The clothes she had worn.
Every night she wrapped herself in her clothes and wept, wept till her crying became whimpering and she was lulled into sleep. Her sleep brought her no relief.
Walking down the streets during the day she heard her mom call out her name, till she started believing in her being alive.
She knew it would never happen that she would hear her mom or see her or talk to her, but every moment she spent living after that was a sham.
Time passed. She hid her pain in her heart. Deep in her heart. Her memories of her mom were hers.

Time

Like the sand
It slips through my fingers
Time it just flows away

Seems like yesterday
You had walked into my world
Rocked it shook it
Made it a new world

Like the sand
It slips through my fingers

You brought me smiles
Made it all that more beautiful
You grew so soon
From holding my finger with tour tiny fist
To the tall handsome young man

Like the sand
It slips through my fingers

Your first step was just yesterday
Your smiles were heavenly
Every smile of yours is heaven sent

Like the sand
It slips through my fingers
Time it flies away

Soon it would be time
Time for you to spread your wings
Test their strength

Like the sand
It slips through my fingers
Wish there was a way to slow it down

Wait a little
Stop a while
Let me catch up with you

Let's pause the time
Go for a walk again
Kick those leaves again
Play catch again

Let me blow one last kiss on your injuries
Let me hold on to the fleeting memory once again

Hush take a breath
Wait for me
Wait for me to catch up with you.

Reflections

Moving forward, lost in thoughts
  Shall I discover future that I dream of
Or from the ocean of memories
  Shall  I encounter the  Wintery chill in all its glory


Shall the sky spread its warm embrace
Or is it just a mirage
In front of me which seduces me

Turbulent and vivacious,
Should I flow with it,
Curious as I am.

Shall it give me it's bounty
 Or is it a chimera, a delusion, phantoms
Anticipating, waiting

Like a lost friend, it beguiles,
Reminding of times gone by
Ripples on the river of memories.

Longings

Because I could not fancy the longings
These did kindly desire for me.
I don't quite like the fact these,
learned to desire before I knew how to yearn.

I must cease, Must I cease?
the strange cravings again,
The uneasy, jittery, anxious, strained craving,
Crazy it is, this craving.
It does cease, it does desire,
again and again
Should it cling also?

The loneliness, however, hard it tries,
will always be existential.
Now experiential is just the thing
To make me wonder if this loneliness is conjectural.

Consumed

What have you wrought?
A shadow of chaos as perceptions writhe.
Once we had savoured wonder, untainted and wide-eyed,
but your thirst for more and more soured it
Now,
A vengeful morass of memories -
an obscurity follows the blackness,
numbness follows the pain.

A love burnt to ashes,
in a torrent of wrath.
I promise to rise again,
rise again with all my might.

World shall condemn you,
To a solitary and drudgery filled life.
I am consumed,
consumed by a turmoil to ameliorate or annihilate.

Darkness

Engulfing encompassing
exhausting incapacitating
devitalizing enfeebling
asphyxiating deluging
obliterating suffocating
sousing choking....

a disquietude suffering
the disquiet misgiving
 the agitation
the fermentation
the dysphoria

of thoughts of
numbness insensibility
stupefaction
a paralysis

of a desire of
an endless stupor
a coma
a hebetude
an inertness

to give in
tenebrosity
dark crepuscule
whispering slithering shadows
enticingly seductively
inviting to its embrace.

 

Ethereal

A feeling of ethereal, 
a night of dark desires,
a song of sorrow plays,
a soul venting pain.

A feeling of ethereal,
curling, icy wisps of memories,
shrouding all in gaunt forms,
a brooding agony.

A feeling of ethereal,
Azrael cloaked in limpid raiment,
come to collect its dues,
tasting the life gush
from the pale flesh beneath.

A feeling of ethereal,
brings a new awareness
vague smiles
lurking connotations
sly tenderness.

Surrender

I'll surrender to the dreams the dreams of things to be of dazzling stars and shiny eyes of flowing rivers and deep ravines of mellifluous music of fairies and pixies of flying on exquisite wings skimming above the oceans and seas
I'll surrender to the dreams the dreams of things to be of depths of oceans of vastness of universe of trees of plenty of fields of prosperity
I'll surrender to the dreams  the dreams of things to be of brilliance of the sun of gleam of the moon of souls that are free
I'll surrender to the dreams the dreams of things to be

Night in glory

The night engulfs all in itself,
cloaking all in entirety
the good and the bad

A harbinger of dreams and hopes
wrapping these in sleepy eyes
a promise of tomorrow

Dreams which help to fly
fly on wings of desires

skimming on the surface of the seaway
diving into the depths
rising to the heights

Brilliance of the stars
lure of twilight
tender strands of lucent

cherub angels lure
to a tomorrow land
land of promises

Pulled Apart

The night falls with a silent sigh,
Soulless are we.
The salvation for which we sacrifice ourselves
flares once, then dies,
devoured by abyss.
All hopes must surely perish.

The passion throbs in us no more.
How could we cause such hurt to the other?
Angels surround us, crying,
lost we have, our way.

When it breaks

A heart-brake, is just what it is called, hear breaking. When it happens, it's like your life has come to a stop. You cannot breathe. There is nothing romantic about it, nothing like listening to sad songs. 

It's about your breath failing you, just when you need it most. It's about loosing your confidence and being stripped of everything that makes you, you. It's seeing the person who broke you everywhere you go, seeing them in all the people you meet. 

It's stopping in the middle of the road, in tears, 'coz you cannot make anyone understand the pain you are in. It's freezing in your tracks, 'coz you were reminded of their smile. It's about being okay for long and then unexpectedly, being engulfed by the ghost of a voice, a touch, which leaves you aware of the choking. 

It's the pain in your chest, which just doesn't go. It's the smile you have in crowds, but the ache which stays with you. It's the hope that things will become corrected. It's about dying a little every minute, trying to salvage of what is left you, sifting through the remains of what was once you, making a new you, a lot different from what you were.

Stop glamorizing heartbreak. It is not about loosing self in a narcotic, or in a euphoria of cymbals. 

It's about smiling and being normal, when on the inside there is nothing orderly about you. It's about sleeping every-night, hoping tonight would be the last night of this unending heartache, and rising in the morning to be entangled in the same labyrinth of pain.

It's about your favourites become a little less than favourite. It's about trying to find an escape, from the soreness; a wound which seems to bleed on the inside, which has weakened you from the inside, eaten away at the soul, leaving you a shell of what were.

The heartbreak debilitates you, entrapping you in abyss, a chasm at which you stare in a vacuum.

Raoul - 18

Laila answered, "Hanif is not here, as you can see for yourself! It's only me here!", batting her eyelashes at Raoul in feigned innocence. Raoul swore under his breath. He was getting tired of the cat and mouse games. He spoke with an authoritative voice and repeated his question. Laila took a step back, and replied, minus the batting lashes, "I don't know! They left some time back. Told me that they would be back by end of day."

Masud asked if she had any idea where they had gone. Laila shook her head in negative. Raoul wished he had played less of a detective, and had shown more sense. His wish for adventure had landed not just him but also Lyna in a mess.

Masud begged Laila that if she knew anything at all, she should help them. Masud got craftier with each line, he spoke. He was now not just begging but also was trying to be charming at the same time. any other time Raoul would have been disgusted, but right then he found it a bit endearing, not that Masud's appearance was helping much in his efforts.

Laila relented a little and told that Hanif had inadvertently mentioned that they would be going to the local eatery before meeting with the rest of the team. Raoul's ears perked up at that. He saw a glimmer of hope. This could end well.

Pulling Masud up, he said his thanks to Laila and broke into what could be called a sprint, what with Masud still shuffling his feet, and again whimpering. Raoul asked him as to what exactly was it with him and walking that brought out such whimpers from him. Masud mumbled, "It's not walking, but what I am guessing is at the end of our journey. I am not very hopeful for a pleasant culmination of your adventures. Raoul reminded him that it was him that had given Lyna's car as a gift to the thieves.

By the time their mutual grumblings came to an end, they had reached Songket, the local eatery. Raoul did not have to drag Masud this time, given that it was an eatery that they were entering. Masud moved with quite a momentum.

Raoul hoped this would be the end of his woes. He felt he should've gone to the police instead of listening to Lyna, worrying about her cousin, Masud, being in trouble. He sat down and saw that Masud had already piled up his plate from the buffet.

Just as he had sat down, he saw Hanif, Anees and the mastermind entering the eatery. He wanted to jump them, but decided to lay low. He itched to lay his hands on these scheming retards, who had involved his wife in their escapade.

Hanif looked up directly to look into Raoul's eyes. He seemed to recognise him, and motioned to Anees to take a look at him. As Anees looked back, Masud also chose the same instant to turn his head and look directly at Anees.

A smile spread on Anees's face and he motioned to Masud to join them. Masud looked at Raoul, and without waiting, picked up his plate and moved to the other table.

Raoul - 17

Earlier

Masud wanted to run away, which was no surprise to Raoul. What could be expected from a person whose brain was addled with drugs and to top that seemed to be involved in all kinds of shenanigans?!

Shaking his head, at what he had known to have some good somewhere, he nudged Masud to move forward. Every nudge brought more whimpers and more shuffling.

Raoul knew if whimpering did not finish soon, he will loose all his patience with Masud. He spoke to himself, under his breath, "Raoul, just few more minutes. Few more minutes."

Masud reached out to open the door to the building. A buzzer or a bell in such a would definitely have been out of place. Masud stumbled forward as the door came free from its hinges in his hand. He fell forward, with a crash, on top of the door. A loud cry emerged from him, while Raoul could not stop himself from laughing, giving that it seemed a scene straight out of a Charlie Chaplin movie.

He stifled his laughter helping Masud to his feet. Masud gave an embarrassed smile, mumbled his gratitude and avoiding eye contact with Raoul, showed him the way forward. 

They moved up the stairs to the third floor. Masud stopped on the stairs, looked at raoul, and for the second time in the day, asked Raoul, "Should you be doing this? May be we should go to the police?! This is not going to be safe."

Raoul pressed his hand to his temples, wishing for that headache not to start at such an inopportune time, not that it ever did start and go away at his whims. He looked at Masud, "May be you should've used your sense before giving Lyna's car away as a gift to your friends to use as the getaway vehicle."

Masud flinched. Raoul stared at him. Whatever resolve Masud had till now, melted away, and he agreed with Raoul, "Alright! Alright, alright! I'll take you where those guys are generally found.

He looked at the flat on the left side of the stairs, cursing himself, for having come out to meet Raoul and Lyna, knowing all that he knew.

He motioned Raoul to follow him, and reached the last flat in the corner. Standing outside the flat, he knocked on the door. They waited.

No sound came out.

He knocked on the door again, waiting for a response. Almost giving up, he half-turned towards Raoul standing behind him, opening his mouth, when there was reply from inside, which was more along the lines of a question, "Who is it?", a female asked from inside.

Masud spoke that it was him and asked Laila to open the door. Laila replied, "Coming, coming, well isn't it strange to see you after such a long time, Mas...!", as she opened the door, stopping mid-sentence on seeing Raoul with Masud.

Raising her eyebrow, questioningly at Masud, she gestured towards Raoul. Masud mumbled and introduced Raoul.

Raoul entered the flat behind Masud, with Laila closing the door. Raoul got straight to the question and asked about Hanif and the others.

.... to be continued...

Emotions

I feel so alive and zingy all the time,
When I think of where I was and where I'm,
And when I see you, my heart fills with glee.
I cherish the awareness of this new found me...

Life's so gorgeous! This love is unending!
I can't resist a smile, it's true!
The eyes and brains fade into shadows...
Whole....  I'll never be blue!

The soul is encompassing; the heart glorious,
And my heart is truly awake.
I could sleep and dream 'til life was done,
But now there is a locus to my plans.

Brain Hyperdrive

I cannot sleep. Every night when it's time to sleep, even when all are asleep, I cannot sleep. I toss and I turn. I change positions to get more comfortable. I lie on my back, still no sleep. I turn and lie on my right side, nope, no sleep.

I try my left side, still no sleep. It's frustrating, listening to the fan whirring away, ruining any chance of my sleeping. Blocking out the sound of the fan, no help. The Air Con comes alive to cool the temperature, adding to the already noisy environment. I just cannot sleep.

It doesn't help when thoughts are racing through my mind, one after the other. Catching one thought and burying it deep in my conscious, doesn't help as another comes flying. A memory I had not thought about in ages, flies out and catches me. Another one runs as a sub-current, waiting to arise. A still another thought is not so patient and comes tangentially, attacking me.

My mind is abuzz. The thoughts start to tumble over one another. It's like I am on some drug, which keeps me up, making me feel alive. The energy in my brain, makes me sensitive to the sound of the dog packs barking at an innocent prey, to the sound of the car carrying its passengers encossed inside in the false sense of safety.

I move out the room. Maybe all I need is a change of the room, a room with less sound. I don't switch on the fan, don't want it whirring and trying to talk to me. The new room comes with its challenges. It has the light coming from the neighbors home, which is adding to the white noise. A pillow on the eyes helps a little, but now I can hear the sounds from two other rooms, with the Air Con switching on and going into a gung-ho mode and the fan trying to outdo with the shir shir of its own. The cacophony is too much for me.

I return to the room.

I toss and I turn.

I cannot sleep.

India burning- Why?!?

Just a thought or two on the current scenario in India

First: We all saw the video clip wherein students of JNU chanted Pakistan and Afzal Guru supporting slogans. Then we all also saw the doctored video clip accusing a few more student leaders.

Few questions I have from all the opposition leaders who are going hoarse shouting their support for the students.
1) Was Afzal Guru hanged by Modi personally?
If my memory serves me, it was the previous government, who is now going out and supporting the ones opposing Afzal Guru's sentencing.

2) Was due law process followed? Did he get a chance to appeal?
Yes, a due process was followed. He was tried in Court of Law according to our country laws. Was provided with chances to appeal, which looking at his activities was denied.

3) What did he exactly do?
He tried to instigate anti-India and terrorist activities while living in our Nation. He was found guilty of the said activities.

4) Do people of India have a right to voice their differences?
Yes, absolutely! But does that give them the right to say that 'Har ghar se Afzal aayega'.. No!

5) Did Umar have a right to air his views?
Yes!

6) Did he have a right to say what he did against India?
No.

7) Does it seem legit or is the current time correct to be blaming the current Government or is it even legit to support the students who are sloganeering against India?
It doesn't make any sense to blame BJP Government, for a decision which was taken a) under the Congress Government rule, b) by the Court of laws of our Nation.
As for Congress supporting, it is like the pot calling the kettle black. Go figure!

8) As the head of ruling party, does it become Sh. Narendar Modi's personal responsibility to ensure how people are eating in their homes?
NO! So, why should he become answerable for everything going wrong anywhere in the Nation. Even if it is me catching a cold!

9) When the undoctored videos showing Umar were sufficient, why would a ruling party bring out doctored video clips???

If anyone can please explain this??

10) Is RSS such a big organisation that it is responsible for sudden increase in rioting?
If it had been that effective and strong an organisation, India would have seen BJP coming to power way earlier.

One request to all the people... think.. please think.. before jumping on to the latest bandwagon of bashing Govt. of India!!