She was sitting with her eyes closed, head in her hands. Shocked.
She never had thought, she would have to take such a decision in her life. Every particle of her being wanted to run away, to deny the decision she was now forced to take.
Never had she thought that in this hour of need she would be alone.
Opening her eyes, she looked into the eyes of the doctor and asked, "Is there nothing else to be done?"
She knew she was asking a question whose answer she knew. Asking for some time, she stepped out of ICU and kept walking with no aim.
Floundering around in the road, in a daze, she heard sounds from Gurudwara, the Sikh holy place.
An atheist as she was, her feet took her inside. Sitting down in front of the holy book, she begged for few more moments. Realising her selfishness, with closed eyes she prayed for her mom's soul to be at peace finally.
She talked to her mom and told her, "Go, be in peace. I will manage, be your daughter and survive." She looked down at her watch; it was 8:30 pm.
Gathering herself she walked back determined. Ready to face the inevitable she stepped inside the cold hospital. She shivered as if she had been touched by an angel.
Reaching for the door to ICU, she saw the nurse walking towards her. She knew.
On the verge of collapse she gathered all her inner strength.
She knew what came next.
The days after that were a blur. Family, relatives, friends, all made her keep a strong front.
Nights.. nights were a long.. very long.
She stayed up, re-living each moment of the day and the days leading up to the day.
She wanted, no wished for her mother to be in a better place but so, so much needed her to be there, to hold her hand one more time. To scold her just one more time. To hug her just one more time.
The pain, the tears flowed, till her pain was her.
Everything made her cry. The flowers that her mom had planted. The clothes she had worn.
Every night she wrapped herself in her clothes and wept, wept till her crying became whimpering and she was lulled into sleep. Her sleep brought her no relief.
Walking down the streets during the day she heard her mom call out her name, till she started believing in her being alive.
She knew it would never happen that she would hear her mom or see her or talk to her, but every moment she spent living after that was a sham.
Time passed. She hid her pain in her heart. Deep in her heart. Her memories of her mom were hers.
